


Be Still, My Beating Heart

by SoleilVioleta



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Unrequitted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-19
Updated: 2012-07-19
Packaged: 2017-11-10 06:49:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/463411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoleilVioleta/pseuds/SoleilVioleta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The events that have shaped Roxy's world have left countless casualties, including Roxy's poor heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Be Still, My Beating Heart

You like a girl.

And that’s sort of the problem.

You like her a whole damn lot. Sometimes, when you’ve got nothing better to do and the hacking for the day has been done, while you’re sipping on the day’s alcohol of choice, you sit around and think about how much you like her.

Sometimes it’s nice. You wish in a lot of ways, that you were more like her. You roll around in your feelings for her. You think about how cute she is and how genuinely sweet, even if a bit naïve, She pretends to be skeptical but she really isn’t. Give her one reason to believe something and she’ll hope right in the believing boat without even double checking her facts. She knows how to bake and you imagine that her confections are as delicious as her curves, and oh, how you do like this girl.

But you can’t love her.

You simply don’t have the faith.

The world has been ripped to shreds until two of your kind remain, and while the main antagonist was an alien overlord, you can’t help but think, “If humankind had done something different, this would not have happened.”.

The carapace beings around you don’t talk to you and they avoid you, and they should. Your presence endangers theirs. Dirk, the last remaining male, is oceans away. There’s animals and insects about but you aren’t getting to actually interact with anything bipedal and even slightly humanoid, not even in your sleep. The internet is great but when it comes down to it you’re alone. You’re very alone to your core and you can’t stop being alone.

Being alone gives you a lot of time to think. It’s one of the reasons you keep up with your drinks. They drown out your own noise. But your mind slips through the cracks and you know. If someone had done something sooner. If more people had joined the cause. If people had just been better. Your mom wouldn’t have died. You wouldn’t be so heart-achingly, soul-tearingly, unbearably, completely and utterly, alone.

So if Jane is human. Jane is flawed. It only follows logically, and you're very good with logic. Hacking is just logic. Surviving is just logic.

You don’t know true Trust. You can’t. You have faith, sure. But Trust? No. You can’t really know Trust unless someone Trusts in you, and you’re pretty sure no one has ever Trusted in you. If they had, you’re fairly certain you would have let them down. Not that you wouldn’t have tried your hardest. But Trust is a heavy burden for someone who has never borne such a weight similar in feeling upon their scrawny shoulders. You don’t have faith in humankind, so how can you have Trust in one human?

So, yes. You like a girl.

And it makes you feel like you might know what it’s like to have faith in people, and to trust someone, and to be trusted. It makes you feel like you’ll win the fight, like maybe you’ll redeem your entire race, like maybe you’re not alone.

It makes you feel like you might one day be lucky enough to be in love.

But you’re not.

And you won’t be.

Because everyone knows, you need to have Trust to have love. That's just logic.

So yes, you like a girl.

And it reminds you of everything you don’t have.

And that’s sort of a problem.

**Author's Note:**

> I am a little captivated by the idea that it doesn't matter if Roxy has a crush on Jane; nor does it matter if Jane knows or reciprocates. Because if Jane did have feelings for Roxy, they could grow past 'crush' stage, whereas Roxy would be too emotionally stunted to fully reciprocate, which causes Roxy quite a bit of emotional pain. Unfortunately this also makes me sad, but it is interesting either way.  
> Homestuck (c) Andrew Hussie [I normally put HS in the 'inspired by' section, but it didn't work quite right today. HS can be found at mspaintadventures.com ]


End file.
